This is part of a series of frank answers to difficult questions regarding sexual abuse by Annette Schuster (includes mature content). For the introduction to the series click here.

Question: A relative abused my child. Should I, (and if so, at what point) allow the two to be around each other?

(this is part 2 of a lengthy question – to read part 1, click here)

Jake Goldenflame, convicted sex offender and author of Overcoming Sexual Terrorism: 40 Ways to Protect your Children from Sexual Predators, makes it clear that sex offenders do not stop abusing children without help.  Even with help, they often reoffend.  His advice as a convicted sex offender is, “never trust us alone with children.”

Your relative needs to submit to whatever the legal process holds which generally includes psychological evaluations and polygraphs conducted by specialists in this field.  He needs to submit to individual and group psychological therapy specific for sex offenders, be in pastoral counseling, and come under the spiritual authority of a church that is scripturally sound.

You might not have reported the abuse because you really love this family member and do not want to “get them in trouble.”  You did not make your relative sexually violate your child.  They have committed a felony.  You did not get them in trouble.

You might not want to report your relative because you are afraid nobody in the family will believe you. You need to report the abuse for the sake of your relative and your child.  Do not keep the family secret. Again, I may be wrong, but exposing the truth may well give someone else he/she has abused the courage to speak the truth about the same relative abusing them or their child.

You may be concerned that your child will experience greater harm by going through the legal system and decide silence is better.  You may think that if you remain silent and do not remind your child of what occurred that they would forget and be just fine.  Children seldom forget abuse.  They may push it out of their mind, but 20, 30, 40 years later it will likely surface and they will wonder why you never took action.

If your child knows you are aware of their abuse and you do not tell – or even worse ask them not to talk about it, you are teaching them to keep secrets and bear the shame of their abuse. 

Maybe the abuse did not include intercourse, so you do not feel it is bad enough to report.  The abuse may not fall under your state’s legal definition of sexual abuse, but legal authorities need to be the ones that make the determination.

Christ died and paid the price for our sins.  Forgiveness is a gift available for your relative should they be repentant. Grace never ignores sin. The blood of Jesus cancels the sentence of an eternity in hell, not the consequences that are to be part of our discipline this side of heaven.  Loving the relative that sexually abused your child means not keeping their secret, and choosing to respond to them in a way that is consistent with God’s word. I recommend that you read Mark Driscoll & Gerry Breshear’s book, Death by Love: Letters from the Cross.  If you were to read only one chapter, I recommend reading, Chapter 5, I Molested a Child.

For more information, or to contact Annette directly, you can visit her website or email her directly. The responses within are not intended to replace professional counseling that may be necessary in the situations presented, and do not constitute legal advice. All responses to questions are copywritten and no part of the responses may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission from Annette Schuster.