This is part of a series of frank answers to difficult questions regarding sexual abuse by Annette Schuster (includes mature content). For the introduction to the series click here.

Question:   A relative abused my child.  Should I, (and if so, at what point) allow the two to be around each other?

Response:  Since the focus of this conference was sexual abuse, I assume that you are telling me a relative sexually abused your child.  Assuming I am correct, regardless of the exact nature of the sexual abuse, I would not allow my child to be around their perpetrator until they are an adult.  Many states restrict victims and perpetrators from having contact until the victim turns eighteen years-old.  Some states have laws that restrict contact for life. 

You may be thinking, “Wait, you don’t understand!  My relative has come to love Jesus.  They have confessed their sin to God, their pastor, and family members.  They are paying for counseling and have agreed to do so anytime throughout your child’s life that issues may resurface.”  They may have told you, “I never abused anybody else and will not ever abuse anyone again.”  My opinion does not change.  This may sound like I do not understand grace, God’s ability to redeem sinners, or that I hold a hard line of unforgiveness. Let me be clear.  I am a sinner, who without the atoning blood of my sweet Jesus would spend eternity in hell.  Nobody is in greater need of the grace, love, and forgiveness that fills my life than me because the love of God has rescued me from myself. That said, please bear with me as I explain.

In most states, the law mandates convicted sex offenders serve a sentence of lifetime probation, register as a convicted offender, forbid contact with their victim, and any other person under eighteen years-old.  Sex offenders may not possess photos of their victim, or any other child in their home or on their computer. If your relative knows Jesus, admitted to the abuse, turned themselves into the police, they are likely a convicted sex offender and you would not even BE in the position of determining when and if your child should have contact with their perpetrator. 

It is also possible that you reported the abuse, but for a variety of reasons, the report of abuse was not taken seriously.  Sadly, this does occur.  It is possible that a prosecutor believed the charges were true, but did not feel they could obtain a conviction, thus they did not pursue prosecution. The lack of prosecution does not change my position.

What I have to say next will be difficult to hear if you did not report your child’s abuse. Your relative’s greatest need is to submit to God’s authority.  If your relative has indeed submitted to God, then you will not need to report the abuse – they will turn themselves over to the authorities.  If they do not, then you need to do so. Many states have laws that consider parents to be mandated reporters.  This means, if you know someone has sexually abused your child, you can face legal charges for failing to report the abuse. 

Maybe you have not made a report because your relative told you this is the first time they abused a child and they promised, “I will never do ‘it’ again.”   You might believe your child is your relative’s only victim so you did not make a report.  I, of course, have no way of knowing, but… based on several peer-reviewed studies conducted on convicted sex offenders, I seriously doubt this to be true.  Statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice reveal that sex offender have an average of 117 victims.  Research that is even more recent reveals even higher numbers of victims per perpetrator ranging from 170 – 1,250.   Even if your child is, to date, the only child your relative has abused… it is one child too many.

Your relative needs help. Next week, we’ll elaborate on how best to help them.

For more information, or to contact Annette directly, you can visit her website or email her directly. The responses within are not intended to replace professional counseling that may be necessary in the situations presented, and do not constitute legal advice. All responses to questions are copywritten and no part of the responses may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission from Annette Schuster.