This is part of a series of frank answers to difficult questions regarding sexual abuse by Annette Schuster (includes mature content). For the introduction to the series click here.
 

Question:   My dad abused my sisters when we were growing up.  My husband and I will not allow our 15-month old daughter to be alone with him, even though the abuse occurred 30 years ago and he has demonstrated some change.  How should we tell my parents that she is not allowed around him alone? Additionally, as she gets older and sees her cousins around him
(and spending time alone), how should we tell her that our situation is different?
 

Response:  First, let me affirm you and your husband’s decision to protect your daughter by not leaving her alone with her grandfather.  Many would rather ignore the data of previous abuse, than face the reality that most sex offender are never caught, are most commonly someone the family knows and trusts, and that according to the Department of Justice, sex offenders have an average of 117 victims.  Jake Goldenflame, a convicted sex offender wrote in his book, Sexual Terrorism, 40 Ways to Protect Your Children, “We (sexual predators) did not wake up one day and decide we wanted to sexually abuse children.  The best advice I can give you is that you should never, ever leave us alone with children.  The best you can hope for is that we will learn not to act on our impulses.  Don’t give us a chance to do so.” This means that even though the abuse occurred over 30-years ago, you and your husband are being wise by setting boundaries and not letting your daughter alone with grandpa.

Your question, “How should I tell my parents that your father is not allowed to be alone with your daughter?” leads me to wonder how, or if the abuse was addressed.  I am not sure what you mean when you say, “he has demonstrated some change.” Ask yourself the following:

• Has anyone ever confronted your father regarding the abuse he perpetrated? 
  
• Is your mother aware the abuse that occurred? 
  
• If nobody has confronted your father, why not?
  
• If he was confronted what was his response? 
  
• If confronted, what professional help has he sought? 
  
• If confronted, did he, without any sense of defensiveness acknowledge what occurred, repent, and ask forgiveness? 
  
• Is your father a believer who submits to God, and the spiritual authority of his church?

I ask these questions, because quite frankly, if your father has indeed acknowledge the harm he caused, sought professional counseling as a perpetrator, has turned his life over to Christ, and is submitting to the spiritual authority of his church, you would not need to explain anything to your father.  He would be busy reassuring you and your siblings that he will be diligent in not allowing a situation to occur where he is alone with any of the kids.  He would be humble, non-defensive, and supportive of the boundaries.  Sexual abuse is a felony that carries in part a sentence of lifetime probation and registration as a sex offender.  This means, the law would mandate that your father could not be with his grandchildren or any other child…ever.

If nobody has ever confronted your father, then somebody needs to do so.  Failing to confront him is a failure to love him.  God did not create perpetrators.  Genesis 1:26 tells us that God created man and woman in His image.  I do not know the extent of the abuse.  Regardless of the exact details, no abuse is acceptable.  Your father needs to be confronted with his sin, his depravity, his need for a saving relationship with Jesus Christ.  Your father also needs to have the opportunity to listen to your sisters, the harm his abuse has caused them, an opportunity to repent first to God, then to your sisters.  He needs to make known what he has done to his pastor, seek professional counseling, be willing, to the best of his ability pay for whatever counseling, is needed for healing (restitution) and possibility even more, and must agree to never be alone with children. 

At 15-months old, your daughter is not quite old enough to protect herself and understand what others can and cannot do to her or what she should or should not do to others. You can begin teaching her about her private parts and that nobody should touch by the time she is

2 1/2 – 3 years old.   Thus, if children are going to be around grandpa, then the following are some boundaries that need to be set and maintained:

1.      He does not help change diapers, assist a child with showers, bathing, or going to the restroom.
2.     Kids may not sit on his lap.
3.     Brief hugs are acceptable as long as the child feels comfortable.
4.     Grandpa may not lay down with children for naps or bedtime.
5.     Grandpa cannot be in a room alone with your daughter.
6.     Grandpa may not take children anywhere where another adult who knows his past is not present.

I am sad and angered as I read the words of a daughter having to protect her daughter from her father/grandfather.  Everybody loses so very much when abuse is experienced.  We are blessed to have the hope that lies within Jesus, and your daughter is blessed to have a wise and protective mommy and daddy.

For more information, or to contact Annette directly, you can visit her website or email her directly. The responses within are not intended to replace professional counseling that may be necessary in the situations presented, and do not constitute legal advice. All responses to questions are copywritten and no part of the responses may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission from Annette Schuster.