This is part of a series of frank answers to difficult questions regarding sexual abuse by Annette Schuster (includes mature content). For the introduction to the series click here.

Question:  How can we try to avoid exposing our child to sexual abuse?

Response: There are several things that you can to do to help prevent your child or children from experiencing sexual abuse.  Anne Salter, Phd., suggests the following lens for protecting our children.  She reminds us of a time when those caring for patients in the hospitals rarely used gloves when treating patients.  Once AIDS came along, it became clear that caretakers could not tell simply by looking at a patient whether they carried the infection.  Now, everyone wears gloves with every patient, regardless of whether they “look like” they have AIDS. She is quoted as saying:

“… assume every coach, every priest, every teacher…, is not likely to be a sexual predator, but that one could be and that you will not know if he or she is.  Given that we cannot detect child molesters or rapists with any consistency, we must pay attention to ways of deflecting any potential offenders from getting access to our children.” 

We must pay attention to probabilities and avoid high-risk situations. The following are helpful guidelines for maintaining this vigilance in a variety of situations including health, home, moms, and stepfathers; next week we’ll look at childcare, friends, strangers, and the internet.

Regarding your OWN health:

1. If YOU have experienced abuse, then make sure you seek out help from your church, and if necessary a professional trained counselor to help you walk through how the abuse you experienced has been and continues to be experienced in relationship with God and others today.
2. If you feel uncomfortable with your personal sexuality, and feel uncomfortable talking with and teaching your children about their sexuality in a healthy and age appropriate manner, please seek help exploring and working through your discomfort because it makes your children more vulnerable to perpetrators and seeking out information in potentially unhealthy places.
3. Do you abuse alcohol, drugs, pornography (printed or electronically)?  Seek help from your church, a professional counselor, or check out a variety of life transformation groups.
4. If you are married, do not ignore ongoing emotional, spiritual, or sexual distance in your relationship.  Seek help from your church, a professional counselor, or trusted friends.

Regarding the home:

1. Be active and present in your child’s life.  Make sure you are the parent sitting at the sidelines during soccer, basketball, soccer, baseball.  When you are present, your child is less vulnerable. 
2. If you are a single mother or father, make sure you have a good network of friends, a spiritual community that embraces you and your child(ren) as a family. 
3. Play with your children, and let your child be a child.
4. Let them know that you love.  Setting healthy, consistent boundaries is one way of demonstrating your love.  Tell them you love them every day.
5. Be safe.  Respect your child’s emotional, physical, and sexual boundaries at home, so they know what is healthy when they are not at home.

1. Are you a single mother?  If so, be very careful when dating or considering remarriage.  Research indicates that 47% of stepfathers sexually abuse their daughters.  This same research revealed that 26% of biological fathers sexually abuse their daughters. This means that the potential of a stepfather sexually abusing one of your children doubles. 
2. Make sure you involve your faith community and trusted friends in your life when dating.  
3. Insist on quality pre-marital counseling.  
4. Take a long time to get to know the men you date and consider marrying.  
5. Be aware of your level of emotional and spiritual health.  We rarely marry someone who is healthier than we are.

These are just the areas closest to us; next week we’ll look at the myriad “outside” influences and how to take precautions in dealing with them.

Click here to proceed to PART THREE

For more information, or to contact Annette directly, you can visit her website or email her directly. The responses within are not intended to replace professional counseling that may be necessary in the situations presented, and do not constitute legal advice. All responses to questions are copywritten and no part of the responses may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission from Annette Schuster.