This is part of a series of frank answers to difficult questions regarding sexual abuse by Annette Schuster (includes mature content). For the introduction to the series click here.

Question #1:  How do you identify a
child molester?
 

Answer:  I wish that I could provide a checklist that everyone could memorize and carry around with to review in the event you suspect someone is a child molester.  The problem is that we all have preconceived ideas about how child molesters look, how much money they earn, their gender, nationality, religious orientation, smell, act, and talk.

In Anna Salter’s book, Predators, Pedophiles, Rapists, & Other Sex Offenders, she reminds us that, “the biggest misconception is that child molesters are somehow different from the rest of us.  The only difference between a pedophile is that they have sex with children.” 

Many sex offenders are lawyers, pediatricians, pastors, priests, police officers, mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, best friends, next-door neighbors, youth camping and sports leaders, music teachers, and educators. You will not like my next sentence.  Sex offenders are some of the most likable folks out there.  The majority of sex offenders are nice.  “Niceness is a decision,” writer Gavin De Becker wrote in The Gift of Fear.  It is a strategy of social interaction.  It is not a character trait.”  

The main goal of a sex offender is to gain your trust and the trust of your child.  Research reflects that 90 – 92% of sex offenders are someone you and/or your children know and trust.  Their goal is gain trust. 

The following are some common characteristics of sex offenders, but the list is in no way complete. It is also important that you do not pass judgment on others by assuming that someone possessing these characteristics is a sex offender.  This list is meant to help raise your level of awareness.

Common characteristics of sex offenders

• 90 – 92% of the time has a relationship with both the family and child
• Is always in a position of authority or trust
• Appears normal
• Can be from any religious, cultural, or ethnic group, and any socio-economic level
• Understands and capitalizes on the child’s vulnerability
• Grooms a child over a long period of time
• May have been abused a child or adolescent
• Threatens, bribes, shames, and intimidates the child into remaining silent.
• May try to make the child feel special
• Two-thirds of the time does not use physical violence
• Usually abuses a child over a long period of time – not just one time.
• Will abuse children of any gender
• Often has a variety of addictions
• Can be of any age as long as the abuser has a position of control or power.  This same age children with same age children, teens, or young, middle age, and senior citizens.
• An adolescent or adult who tends to struggle with same-age (peer) relationships.  These folks get along really well with young children.  People usually see this person as someone who is wonderful with kids.
• Has often abused anywhere from a few children upward to 1,200 kids prior to being reported.
• Has a special interest in your child that he/she does not take in other children.  Buys special gifts or takes special places.
• Is manipulative.  Sex offenders are master deceivers and often seek to volunteer in churches and other non-profit organizations.  Convicted sex offenders are frequently able to convince others they never committed the crime(s) that lead to their imprisonment or lifelong probation.

Stop It Now!, an organization whose focus is stopping child sexual abuse by addressing harmful or abusive behavior of teenagers, recommends being aware of the following:

Do you know a child or adolescent who:

• Seeks out the company of younger children and spends an unusual amount of time in their company.
• Takes younger children to ‘secret’ places or hideaways or plays “special” games with them (e.g. doctor and patient, removing clothing etc.) especially games unusual for their age.
• Insists on hugging or kissing a child when the child does not want to be hugged or kissed.
• Tells you they do not want to be alone with a child or becomes anxious when a particular child or young person is coming to visit.
• Frequently uses aggressive sexual language about adults or children.
• Shows sexual material to younger children.
• Makes sexually abusive telephone calls.
• Shares alcohol or other drugs with younger children or teens.
• Views child pornography on the internet or elsewhere.
• Exposed his or her genitals to younger children.
• Forces sex on another adolescent of child.
• Forces child to touch his/her genitals.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should talk to the child or young person and seek advice.

Click here to proceed to PART TWO

For more information, or to contact Annette directly, you can visit her website or email her directly. The responses within are not intended to replace professional counseling that may be necessary in the situations presented, and do not constitute legal advice. All responses to questions are copywritten and no part of the responses may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission from Annette Schuster.